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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul