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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
How to properly lift a body
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
me after eating Cheetos
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying