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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Left at a local drug store…
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
much to think about
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work