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Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.