63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
A leaf blower, but for people.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?