You Might Also Like
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.