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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it
I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.