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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.