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do mermaids get waxed or descaled
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.