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I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”