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*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )