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[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?