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Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
much to think about