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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I think about this a lot
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head