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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much


I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal


I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.


Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.


When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.


If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.


George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”


“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said