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I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself