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They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to