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You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Britain be like
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh