6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
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“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
You deplete me
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.