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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila