66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
what are they serving at kfc then???
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking