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I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.