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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.