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Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
LMAO
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
channeling her this year
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.