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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.