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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
this has to be peak English
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.