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Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.