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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
#dalle2
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.