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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me: