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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
that lip filler tho
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog