You Might Also Like
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!