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The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
an octopus is just a wet spider
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.