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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Admin smashed it 😂
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
do what now??
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Overindulged this afternoon.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride