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The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
when revenge coincides with naptime
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
screw you
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”