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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses