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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.