You Might Also Like
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Best misinterpreted text ever!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*