You Might Also Like
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
How does one answer this?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.