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Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My birth announcement for our third baby
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.