If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.