6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
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It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Yeah. This was me today.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Breaking news:
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Meme Monday.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.