6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
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Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.