6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn