6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
You Might Also Like
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
#SuperBowl
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.