6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!