6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
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You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Xylophonist Shredding It
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Goodnight 🐶
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝