6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
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It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.