6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
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My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
peak technology
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child