6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
The “baby” on the left….
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
This is sending me to another galaxy
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
I love the honesty
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If snakes were wide
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?