6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible