6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.