(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
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[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Mornin
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
broke down and did it
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.