6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
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me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
This kid will have a bright future.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW