6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You Might Also Like
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Follow me for more life hacks.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”