6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Möther may I have a snäck
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language